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Pissing On Trees and Staking Claims At The Club
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One of my favorite parts about going out to the club is watching the various people choosing out there. And by choosing, I mean laying claim to what may or may not be rightfully theirs. Oh yes, clubs can become a large scale Million Man March style tree with men and women pissing all over each other trying to ward off others from somebody that they’ll probably never see naked.
Now, I think that men and women do this totally differently. Men tend to be much more aggressive and potentially obnoxious. We have one signature go to move: take up as much of your time as humanly possible and then hope the lights come on before you manage to get away. Nigerians are notorious for this move. That and the lick your face in public to taint your image move. That sh*t right there, ninja? That sh*t right there???
Priceless.
Women on the other hand tend to be more subtle with theirs. In fact, women are SO good at pissing on trees in public that I’m not even sure its intentional. It could just be subconsciously ingrained in the DNA of thee of boob. I like boobs. Moving on.
I did some research on this using grant money I received from the National Institutes of Ninjadom, or NIN for short. No Trent Reznor. Here are my observations on how women ward off the competition.
1. Touching a man’s face
There is something downright sensual about a woman touching a man’s face. Now, slaps…do not count. Though, in the right setting, it is painfully obvious that the chick is slapping the man because he wasn’t acting right and unfortunately…he’s hers. However, I’m talking about a like a face brush or a 2-second hold or hand-on-cheek-and-smile which, obviously….double entendre. That sh*t is like the reverse Bat signal. Or the Bat-signal that keeps the boys off the yard. Take your pick. It’s like there’s some record player playing “Booty Work” that all women are listening to that men can’t hear that scratches when a woman does this and every woman notices and makes a mental check: Okay, Boothang right there is with that chick. Respeck girl. But what yo’ back. Looked him up and down and said, hmm, I’ll take him. Point is, the face touch lets other women know that she’s laying claim. Of course, if dude immediately jerks away and throws a martini on her it’s safe to say that he’s still open for business. But if he just smiles back and let’s her do it…he’s done for.
Sidenote: For all of you ladies who struggle with guys not knowing that you’re interested because for lack of better phrasing, you SUCK at flirting…this works as a gateway of sorts. Women just don’t go around touching men’s visage. In fact, it’s kind of rude to do that unless it’s requested. Point is, if you put your hands on my face in a darling manner, I’m going to assume you’re trying to get in my Fruit of the Looms.
2. The Traditional Eye Blow
Okay, that sounds like some kinky pr0n, but I’m speaking of the sensual soft blow out of “something in your eye” that happened in Boomerang. It encompasses some face touching and then a certain linger. No Cranberries. But again, all women immediately take notice of the woman spending a little too much time with the guy they want to dance with. But you know what? Who gon’ check her boo?
Ya know, I just realized that these moves all require the women to respect another woman’s power moves. So ladies, do not try this in hood spots or in places where they only drink that brown. Or don’t serve wine. You all know the deal, choosing a dude automatically makes him fool’s gold for a chick with her named tattooed on her two front teeth.
3. The Back-It-Up and grab his neck move
This is a personal favorite of mine. Sure, any chick can back it up, but when a chick backs it up on a dude, does the arched back stand up smooth slide then places her hand on the back of a man’s neck, well she’s put her stamp all up and through that locale. Or she’s drunk. It’s really either or in this case. Again, if you’re a chick out dancing with a dude and you want him to know you’re interested, this is also a way to know because it implies that you have no intention of dancing with anybody else any time soon.
You know what this all boils down to? Touching. Touch me, tease me, feel me and caress me. Hold on tight and don’t let go.
And yes, my use of caress gives everybody carte blanches to take shots at me, but then again, I’m quoting Case. Look at me now. And stop hating from outside the club.
Well that’s my short research list but the NIN needs more. People, men and women, how else have you observed women staking their claim? Shucks, what other way to men do it?
Hell, who gon’ check me boo?